What will it be like when Alan returns from prison?

When he left for prison, I was in a state where I was depending on him totally. I had just gotten over a major illness. Got treated. Got on medications. Was starting to enjoy life, going out to restaurants, going here there. As long as he was with me I went places. And then he was gone.

I depended on him and I had to strengthen up and take care of myself, which was something I hadn’t done, I never had done in my life. I always had somebody there to make the rules. Somebody to guide me, somebody to help me through everything.

Now when he comes home his role hasn’t changed. He might be a little stronger and have made some improvements. Physically he’s improved in prison. He’s gotten an education. He can probably pick up a better job. But for the most part his role when he comes home isn’t going to change. He’s going to come back figuring to be the overprotective, guiding, I’ll-help-you-through-life type of husband.

I’m more independent now. He’s not going to be getting up to do everything for me. If I want to get up and go to the Food Lion in the middle of night, I don’t have to wake him up and make him go with me. I can get up and go. He’s not going to have to be the babysitter either because my kids pretty much had to learn not to depend on me. I had to learn to depend on me, myself and it was hard enough for one! So he’s not going to be the babysitter.

So roles are going to change when he gets home. He’s going to come home expecting to be the man. I have to wonder if I need everything in him I needed before? I need the friendship. I mean no matter what changed the friendship’s going to be there and I’m always going to need my best friends and nothings going to change on that!

But I have to wonder if I need the husband part. I’ve gone without it for two years. I mean do I really have to have that? I mean I really can live without him. I’ve done it for two years. I know I can do it for the other five, and if something should happen where he doesn’t come home, I can live the rest of my life.

So I guess it’s that I want him to come home and we’re going to fit who I am and who he is. We’re going to fit it back together again and it might be different. It might be more interesting, maybe better than it was, who knows. But I really worry about the fact that he’s gone without me for this long. Is he going to need me? I’ve changed. Is it going to be what he wants now that I’m independent and can do for myself?

I don’t require him for anything really other than to call once a week and raise my phone bill. I don’t require him now for really anything. I’m taking on the reigns of the boys. I take on the bills. I bring the income in. I do it all. So I guess now I don’t have to have him back. I want him back. We’re going find a way to make it work. But I never did loose my friend. I might have lost my husband but I didn’t lose my friend. So when he comes back he’s going to come back as my best friend and the rest of it going to fall into place.

We know when he comes back Donnie’s not going to need a dad anymore. What is he going to need when he comes back? He’s not going to really know his dad through puberty. I don’t know how that’s going to work. I fear that a relationship is going to be lost between them.

Alan coming back when Josh is fourteen might be good for Josh. Because he’s going to come back just in time. Donnie will be off on his own. Probably have his own kid and family, so he’s not going to really need a dad in his life. But he’s coming back just in time so that one person is going to need him. Maybe that is what will put it all right back together. He and I? We’re going to find our friendship, pick up the pieces and go on some way.

Has Alan changed after being in prison for a year?

He made himself to home. Last year he kept to himself. This time when he comes in everybody knows he’s there. He waves to everybody. He knows some of the visitors. He just knows the ropes. He sits down and wants to know where his coffee is because he knows he can have it. He’s at home. It’s weird that you can make a prison your home.

He basically stopped whining. I mean he had reason to whine because it’s not summer camp. It’s not a nice place to be. He was just getting to know it last year. Just realizing what he could do, how you handle the guards, what guards you can deal with. Now he knows what guards you can talk to; what guards to stay away from, who you can keep eye contact with and who you can’t.

He’s making some friends. He’s in the weight lifting program and really doing good at it. He’s taking good care of his health, which is something that he did not do on the outside. On the outside he’d eat anything. He didn’t watch what he ate. He didn’t do any exercising to watch his weight.

He’s in school. He’s really proud of that. He was undereducated. He’s proud of the fact that he’s in school. He’s getting good grades. The weight lifting program is really going good. I got the chance to see that he’s bulging up. He’s not skinny and scrawny anymore. He’s taking good care of himself. So emotionally he’s basically “yeah, I live here.” It’s casual now. It’s not one of those “Get me out of here!” things.

When he comes home it’s going to be different but then again maybe not - I don’t know. It ain’t going to be jail. He’ll have a doorknob when he gets home.

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